I read this article today by Thomas Gartenmann. In it he mentioned that some groups are more vulnerable to loneliness—
Some groups are particularly vulnerable:
- younger employees
- those in transition (like job changes, relocations, or finishing school)
- remote or hybrid workers
- individuals with lower income or education
- anyone lacking meaningful connections at work or outside of it
I want to add caregivers to the list. As I read the post, I realized that (1) I am indeed lonely and getting lonelier along my caregiving path, and (2) that the act of caregiving is inherently lonely. And in this case, I mean caregiving for someone with a chronic illness, whether life-threatening or not.
Why?
Because of the time commitment. You begin to lose your personal connections as your personal life recedes into the background of your caregiving.
Because friends and neighbors are visiting less. In my experience, because visiting is challenging and not the same as before. I also believe it serves as a reminder of our vulnerability to old age and disease, and who wants to be reminded of that?
Because you develop your own depression and are less easy to be around.
These are just a few of my thoughts on why, but I’m sure there are many more. And, if you throw dementia or Alzheimer’s or LBD/PDD, or anything like that, into the mix, it exacerbates all of the above.
Social engagement for the Caregivee
I try pretty hard to push my wife to continue being as social as she can be. At this stage of her Parkinson’s, she really doesn’t want to go out much. But I encourage her and her friends to visit as much as possible. While her natural tendency seems to isolate herself, I’m pushing hard to slow that tendency.
Social engagement for the Caregiver
To be honest, I find that guilt is the primary reason I don’t go out often and do more.
Guilt in leaving my wife alone and worrying about possible falls.
Guilt that I’m being selfish in taking care of myself.
Guilt that I’m not being a good husband or caregiver.
Recently, I’ve been pushing myself to go out more and to be more social. I’m meeting friends for coffee and lunch more, I’m trying to attend church, and I’m even taking Tai Chi lessons. I’m still not comfortable with doing it, but I’m getting better at giving myself permission to have a life.
But in the end
All of this said, I do think family caregiving is inherently lonely. Particularly if dementia is involved. The reality is that you are slowly (or quickly) losing your loved one, and there’s not a whole lot you can do about it.
I would recommend finding a caregiver support group aligned with the condition(s) you are caring for.
I’m incredibly blessed to have three Parkinson’s support groups in my local area. I find that socializing with folks who fully understand what I’m experiencing is priceless.
For example—
https://www.parkinsonassociation.org/support-group-list/
And here’s a link to a discussion by someone who “gets it” too--https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/diagnosis-feeling-so-lonely-as-my-wifes-caregiver-497193.htm